(no subject)

So, here I am again. Up really late, or early depending on how you look at it. Struggling to find something to keep me occupied so my mind will finally settle down enough for me to get some sleep. The house has been silent for hours... Everyone else has been able to find rest. Not me. I wish I could say it was because of the age old adage, no rest for the wicked, but I haven't been particularly wicked lately, if really ever. Bitchy on occasion, yes, but never absolutely wicked.

Not that anything I think about at this time of the morning ever really makes sense. Just me trying to form my thoughts into an evident organizational pattern of sorts. Without organization it all goes to pot. So that lend to the theory that if I want to sleep, actually sleep. I need to organize my thoughts so that I can make it to sleep instead of agonizing over whatever is keeping me up.

Of course, reading that last paragraph it sounds like not only have I lost my mind, but I also lose sleep of trivial things. That's not true. I'm losing sleep over something so heartbreaking I hate discussing it with others. I hate thinking about it. I hate admitting that the events actually happened, leaving me with a huge empty space in my heart, and a black hole in my soul... You know if it was just one thing, I am sure I would be able to work through it. But its not just one thing...its everything...so much death...so much pain...so many people gone. I know they say time heals all wounds...they were lying... If anything it makes the lose sharper. You think back on the times you had, and then you think about everything that they have missed in your life...it just tears me up. So many things I can't say, or share.

And maybe it would be different if I could share these feelings with someone else...but I can't. I'm alone...drowning...and no one sees...