(no subject)

So, back again. I'm seeing a trend to these entries... Most are posted late at night when the rest of the house is asleep, and surprisingly enough, they all are posted around the same time of the month. I'm not sure if this whatever is like a "cycle", but it is an interesting theory to contemplate.

I have noticed that I always post when I am in the same frame of mind...lonely...hurting... Everything I do seems to come back to the same thing, making it through one more day. There are days when I'm almost sure that its not there...that phantom pain in my heart that aches so deeply is purely imagined on my part. Then there are days that it takes every single ounce of strength in my body to just breathe...in...out...in...out... Those days are hardest, and in more ways than one. They are hard because on those days I don't want to talk to anyone, I don't want to see anyone. I don't want to pretend... But its those days when I have work to let no one see the difference, to let no one know that I feel hollow inside.

Now, when I make it through those days, which I invariable do; because the alternative is not an option, I breathe a little easier. My burden is just a little bit lighter...and I think maybe tomorrow will be better...maybe tomorrow I won't think about it...maybe tomorrow will be different.

Does not thinking of something make me a coward or a survivor? If I know that something is going to cause me pain is it my duty to face it and work to overcome it? Or is it my prerogative to chose to live to fight another day?

I wonder what drives me to write here. Is it because I've made it through that day where I can't breathe and now that I have I have to put the thoughts that run rampart through my mind that day onto "paper" to be able to ease my mind and slow the freight train that disguises itself as my emotions?

I don't know...maybe I'll know next month...

After all, all I have to do is breathe...in...out...in...out...