(no subject)

[write_in_red]

So, back again. I'm seeing a trend to these entries... Most are posted late at night when the rest of the house is asleep, and surprisingly enough, they all are posted around the same time of the month. I'm not sure if this whatever is like a "cycle", but it is an interesting theory to contemplate.

I have noticed that I always post when I am in the same frame of mind...lonely...hurting... Everything I do seems to come back to the same thing, making it through one more day. There are days when I'm almost sure that its not there...that phantom pain in my heart that aches so deeply is purely imagined on my part. Then there are days that it takes every single ounce of strength in my body to just breathe...in...out...in...out... Those days are hardest, and in more ways than one. They are hard because on those days I don't want to talk to anyone, I don't want to see anyone. I don't want to pretend... But its those days when I have work to let no one see the difference, to let no one know that I feel hollow inside.

Now, when I make it through those days, which I invariable do; because the alternative is not an option, I breathe a little easier. My burden is just a little bit lighter...and I think maybe tomorrow will be better...maybe tomorrow I won't think about it...maybe tomorrow will be different.

Does not thinking of something make me a coward or a survivor? If I know that something is going to cause me pain is it my duty to face it and work to overcome it? Or is it my prerogative to chose to live to fight another day?

I wonder what drives me to write here. Is it because I've made it through that day where I can't breathe and now that I have I have to put the thoughts that run rampart through my mind that day onto "paper" to be able to ease my mind and slow the freight train that disguises itself as my emotions?

I don't know...maybe I'll know next month...

After all, all I have to do is breathe...in...out...in...out...

Comments

[harem-priestess.livejournal.com]

I started writing something else, about what I'm feeling. Then decided you don't need to hear it. Mostly just wanted to tell you I feel yah, and I envy your ability to still put it into words. I can barely do that right now. I'd tell you to look into some sort of help, but that makes me a complete hypocrite, seeing as how I keep refusing. I think I may have to give in, though, before things get much worse. Think about it, getting help, in some form. I'm not really sure how I'm going to, and I think it may end up being more extreme than I want, surviving like this is isn't surviving, it's giving up. It's easier than trying, giving up, but I know it can be better. It all comes down to deciding what's better, and finding something to WANT to get better for.

Think about it. It's not weak giving in and getting help, but it's not easy.

[write-in-red.livejournal.com]

I've thought about it, maybe talking to someone would help me straighten out the mess that's tangled up inside...But where would I start? Here, now? The Past? What hurts the most? Not to mention that laying myself bare like that scares me more than anything else in this world...

I'm thinking about looking into therapy in a few months. I don't see it as an absolute must at the moment. I'm making it...lol... I guess...though my entries here make me seem like I am having the most horrid time in life...and when I post here, I am. I'm at my darkest. But there are other days, days when I laugh, days when I can't stop smiling because I get to spend it doing nothing with my friends. Those are the days I try to remember. Sometimes though, when I'm at that lowest point I forget that there are those who would hold me when I cry, who would listen to what I have to say...the fact that I know that they wouldn't listen impartially is what drives me not to talk to them...

I hope things get better for you, and even if the help is more extreme than you want, I hope that things change for you.