write_in_red (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
write_in_red) wrote2010-05-25 05:09 am
write_in_red) wrote2010-05-25 05:09 am
Entry tags:
Writer's Block: Do-over!
[Error: unknown template qotd]
No idea why I decided to answer this. LoL. But its an interesting question. I think it would depend on the moment in time that I am offered a "do-over"...right now, I don't know. My life isn't what I necessarily want it to be, but it's not altogether bad. I've had things I would change in a heart beat, but right now they all seem so much like a part of me I couldn't change one thing without completely changing what makes up me.
Don't get me wrong. If someone was to go back into time and offer me a card when I was on the phone with my mum listening to her tell me she was sick? Yea. Do over. When we lost my baby cousin to cancer? Do Over. Dad dying before I left for a semester abroad? DO OVER. In that moment I was screaming for do overs. Now, the pain is still here, still real. But I'm making it. I have great friends who make me laugh and who understand the insanity that it my mind.
If I embraced the great do over would I like to be born to the same parents? Yea. Life hasn't been easy. Single mom raising two kids & disinterested dad...blah blah blah...at times my family has sucked. But I love my my mum. She is the single BEST Mum out there. Lived for me and my sister every day since we were born. I couldn't have asked for more. And T? We fight, but that's what sisters are for. I love her like none other, and I know without her my world would end. She is the other half of my heart. I'd die for her. I can't imagine, a world where we're not sisters. Having her by my side when I needed her, sharing what's going through my head. Knowing that she understands my pain.
Which brings me to another point. If I was going to give away the do over, I couldn't give it to T. I need her...with me. Unless something singularly traumatic happened I couldn't do it. I'm a selfish bitch. Have the power to change my sister's world for the better? I should want to jump at the chance...can't do it. Which is a lie...I think I would keep her here with me, but if I had the chance to make life easier for her, I would do it. But for just a moment, I want to think I would be selfish for a change and say anyone but T can have it. But I wouldn't, living for younger siblings, protecting them, cherishing them, out thinking them. It's all in the fine print...
Besides! Do overs mean that I can't have the memories right? Because if I did? That would just be strange... Two sets of memories. Memories of a life that I didn't live, friends that I wouldn't know, things I might not have done. That would make me sad, I would miss my friends. They are a part of my heart and soul. I would miss: community service - walking up and down the high way picking up trash, while making every semi honk for us; dorm life - picking a song and playing it from every room in my hall...at the same time...surround sound, baby!; movie nights - piles of girls sitting in a dorm room in pj's with snacks, cell phones, giggles, and hot guys on screen; the house - 10 girls, one house, lots of TV on DVD, and drama; England - the places I saw, the people I met, my relationship w/ J; J - that time in Italy...lol...run away tour bus...its all I can say; falling in love - both times...fml...didn't end well for me, but I loved them both with all I had. I would miss too much. Because even if I didn't have the memories, I know my heart would miss my girls.
Conclusion reached, this moment? No. I'll pass. I have a few friends I could hand the do over to. Or are do overs storable? Like for a rainy day? If so, I may just pocket mine.
No idea why I decided to answer this. LoL. But its an interesting question. I think it would depend on the moment in time that I am offered a "do-over"...right now, I don't know. My life isn't what I necessarily want it to be, but it's not altogether bad. I've had things I would change in a heart beat, but right now they all seem so much like a part of me I couldn't change one thing without completely changing what makes up me.
Don't get me wrong. If someone was to go back into time and offer me a card when I was on the phone with my mum listening to her tell me she was sick? Yea. Do over. When we lost my baby cousin to cancer? Do Over. Dad dying before I left for a semester abroad? DO OVER. In that moment I was screaming for do overs. Now, the pain is still here, still real. But I'm making it. I have great friends who make me laugh and who understand the insanity that it my mind.
If I embraced the great do over would I like to be born to the same parents? Yea. Life hasn't been easy. Single mom raising two kids & disinterested dad...blah blah blah...at times my family has sucked. But I love my my mum. She is the single BEST Mum out there. Lived for me and my sister every day since we were born. I couldn't have asked for more. And T? We fight, but that's what sisters are for. I love her like none other, and I know without her my world would end. She is the other half of my heart. I'd die for her. I can't imagine, a world where we're not sisters. Having her by my side when I needed her, sharing what's going through my head. Knowing that she understands my pain.
Which brings me to another point. If I was going to give away the do over, I couldn't give it to T. I need her...with me. Unless something singularly traumatic happened I couldn't do it. I'm a selfish bitch. Have the power to change my sister's world for the better? I should want to jump at the chance...can't do it. Which is a lie...I think I would keep her here with me, but if I had the chance to make life easier for her, I would do it. But for just a moment, I want to think I would be selfish for a change and say anyone but T can have it. But I wouldn't, living for younger siblings, protecting them, cherishing them, out thinking them. It's all in the fine print...
Besides! Do overs mean that I can't have the memories right? Because if I did? That would just be strange... Two sets of memories. Memories of a life that I didn't live, friends that I wouldn't know, things I might not have done. That would make me sad, I would miss my friends. They are a part of my heart and soul. I would miss: community service - walking up and down the high way picking up trash, while making every semi honk for us; dorm life - picking a song and playing it from every room in my hall...at the same time...surround sound, baby!; movie nights - piles of girls sitting in a dorm room in pj's with snacks, cell phones, giggles, and hot guys on screen; the house - 10 girls, one house, lots of TV on DVD, and drama; England - the places I saw, the people I met, my relationship w/ J; J - that time in Italy...lol...run away tour bus...its all I can say; falling in love - both times...fml...didn't end well for me, but I loved them both with all I had. I would miss too much. Because even if I didn't have the memories, I know my heart would miss my girls.
Conclusion reached, this moment? No. I'll pass. I have a few friends I could hand the do over to. Or are do overs storable? Like for a rainy day? If so, I may just pocket mine.
no subject
And I know if I had a do-over, I would feel so selfish using it for myself because of how it might effect those I love. So, you are a braver soul than me for even contemplating this stuff :) Event do-over might be easier, but even then, that whole butterfly effect thing could screw things up.
It is a good question though.
no subject
I've seriously no clue if I'd like to get a do-over. *ponders*
In my opinion all experiences happens for a reason - even the bad ones. Sometimes to make you stronger and sometimes to remind you on something simple. Yeah. I know. That sounds very esoteric, but when shit happens day after day after day you have to find a reason for it. *ggg*
I guess I'd make different decions and choices - but acutally I'm quite happy - being my chaotic self. *smirk* I love my friends and family and the only thing missing: MY DAD!!! But that's just one thing in a big, big picture.
Yep. I guess I don't wanna change a thing. This is it. *muahahah*
♥