(no subject)

[write_in_red]

I never use this. Ever. I think the fact that no one I personally know, knows about this. I can write whatever I wish and the ones who usually judge my life can't say a thing about it; that's an attractive thought... I guess that makes writing, typing, positing...whatever...easier. I know that there is no way for word of my thoughts to reach those that they could hurt. Though that last thought begs the question, why do I care?

Life is different now. Life used to be simple, if you can believe that... Grow up; put in the obligatory years in high school; graduate; attend college; put in more obligatory years of schooling, possibly and in some cases most likely receiving a third rate education, graduate again, find a job, settle down, be a productive member of society. Yea, that seemed easy...till life crept in... Now I have completed most of those steps, but I dont' derive the pleasure I should from my achievements. Not to mention that in the last few years I have scratched the settle down options right off the list, in its place I have put survive.

Get up, go to work, breathe, do your job, go home, go to sleep...do it all over the next day. This isn't exactly how I pictured my life. I'm not sure what is more disappointing, the way my life turned out or the lack of drive I have to change it. Don't get me wrong, I am absolutely unsatisfied with my life right now, so I am endeavoring to change that. But even the changes I have put into motion won't take away the root of the problem...it won't take away the pain...

Comments

[harempriestess.livejournal.com]

I'm going to say something that I know won't help, because goodness knows it doesn't help me when others say it, but I get it. Totally different life, different person, different everything, but same feelings, same fight, same pain. Reading what you wrote kinda made my eyes burn, because that's where I've been on and off all my life. I'm not even sure why I'm replying to you, because I don't have anything that will help you, nothing to say that can help you deal with that pain. Other than I know.

I use my LJ to check on a few comms (I'm guessing some of the same you do), use my other one to post stories (all of one so far). When I do post anything, it goes unread, which I think I like. Well, it did go unread, until somethings came up and I have a hard time posting anything on it.

I think I'm just typing to hear myself type at this point :) but mostly, I'm here to say I know. I won't condescend to say I KNOW, but in my own way, I do. And let me tell you, if I ever figure anything out, a way to help ease the pain, that doesn't consist of some of the more destructive ways I've unfortunately fallen into in the past, I'll let you know.

Just keep in mind, I'm out here, and we don't know each other, but you are in someone's mind. I don't know if it helps, but hopefully it won't hurt.

[write-in-red.livejournal.com]

Wow...I didn't expect anyone to read those words, which is pretty dumb since I put them on the internet...lol... But I guess I didn't think that what I had to say would mean anything to anyone. Reading your words reminded me, that though I may be insulated in my pain, I am hardly the last person on earth who is struggling. I guess, when its your pain, you forget that others are suffering too. I'm not saying that I don't think that others feel pain, but having someone respond to MY pain was almost heartwarming. Not heartwarming in the it ends "happily ever after", but heartwarming in the "sharing of something" kind of way, does that make sense?

Knowing that someone was thinking about what I was going through, even though you don't know the specifics, and is in a similar situation was good to know. Not that I would wish pain on anyone, but it was nice to realize I wasn't alone. It made all those thoughts that float around my head telling me that my pain is irrational or that by now I should have gotten over my hurt dim just a little.

Maybe its the fact that in my words your read exactly what I was saying, you accepted it at face value. Pain. A part of life, yes, but who knew it could be so debilitating? Who knew it could change so many facets of life? Definitely not me. I'm no stranger to pain, but I had no idea that it could turn into something that resonates so deep in you that every breath you take is just another reminder of how much you hurt.

I'm going to return the favor. If I ever find out an effective way to take away the pain, that doesn't resort to harmful activities, I am going to make sure that you are the first person I tell. Because no one deserves to hurt this much.

By the way, it helps.